“Cocaine Bear” is rampaging toward a theater near you.
The fact that so many movie-goers are so excited for its arrival just underscores one thing:
People just love goofy horror movies. Especially if they have bears in them.
And that’s what they are getting in this Elizabeth Banks-directed flick, which opens Feb. 24 on a bazillion screens nationwide. Fans who can’t wait that long — and, yes, we are looking at you in the “Basket Case” T-shirt — can watch one of the many “early” screenings on Feb. 23.
The movie’s title tells you basically everything you need to know, relaying the tale of a bear with a major substance abuse problem and passion for chaos. It’s a cautionary tale, really, highlighting why we need to keep our woodland creatures away from stimulants of all kinds.
That said, there are going to be some really cranky racoons when we take away their Red Bull at our next poker party.
“Cocaine Bear” — which is actually based on the true story of an American black bear that ingested a huge amount of cocaine in 1985 — has created a major buzz with its laugh-out-loud trailer, which friends have been busy forwarding to each other for weeks. The buzz is reminiscent of what we saw way back with the Samuel L. Jackson film “Snakes on a Plane” in 2006.
Hopefully “Cocaine Bear” turns out to be better than “Snakes.”
Well find out when the film opens this week.
But let’s face it, a film centered on a furry, four-legged rampage is not something filmgoers should got into cold. So to get people properly prepared for the goofy-horror-movie event of the season, we’re looking back at some leading bear horror flicks from over the decades.
We went searching for ones that share a similar spirit — intentionally or not — with “Cocaine Bear.” In other words, don’t expect to see “The Revenant” on the list. Sure, the 2015 Leonardo DiCaprio vehicle does include a bear scene, but it also won multiple Oscars — thereby assuring that no self-respecting bad-horror-comedy fan would ever want to see it.
Oh, but there are plenty of bad bear flicks to be had. Here are five you should definitely see.
‘Prophecy’ (1979)
If you are only going to watch one goofy mutant bear movie in your life then make sure it’s this glorious shlockfest from director John Frankenheimer, who — as unlikely as it may seem — also helmed such acclaimed efforts as “The Manchurian Candidate,” “Birdman of Alcatraz” and “Seven Days in May.”
The film is dreadful in all the right ways for the “so-bad-it’s-good” brigade, who will treasure this wonderfully cliched tale about mankind messing with nature and then nature messing back. The mutant bear creature will bring true joy to those of us who grew up enjoying the guys-in-rubber-suits era of monster movies from the ’50s and ’60s.
The most important thing to know about “Prophecy,” however, is that its exploding sleeping bag scene is one of the greatest moments in moviemaking history.
Where to watch: Amazon Prime, Paramount+, Epix, Sling TV, more.
‘Grizzly II: Revenge’ (2020)
Sure, you could stick with the legendary original film — 1976’s “Grizzly” — which was a massive hit despite being pilloried by critics as a “Jaws” rip-off. Or you can straight to the sequel, which might make Part 1 seem like “Citizen Kane” in comparison.
The movie, which boasts no less than a 8 percent approval rating from scribes on Rotten Tomatoes, tells the story of a gigantic momma bear who goes on a bloody rampage after her cub was killed by poachers. And, believe it or not, it features three (at the time) little-known actors by the names of Charlie Sheen, George Clooney and Laura Dern.
Also, “Grizzly II: Revenge” was released some 37 years after it was originally shot, which is always a great sign.
Where to watch: Amazon Prime, Google Play, Redbox, Vudu, YouTube, more.
‘Day of the Animals’ (1977)
It’s pretty much like every slow-paced ’70s monster flick you’ve fallen asleep to on the couch on a Sunday afternoon — during the NFL offseason, of course — only to wake up near the conclusion and wonder why the thing with the claws is attacking the guy in the bell bottoms.
Oh, but boring has its own special charm, right? I mean, why else would people watch all those house-flipping shows on HGTV? So, pour a Mountain Dew and do your best to stay awake while watching an array of wildlife — yes, including a bear — take aim at a group of folks hiking around Northern California.
The film was directed by animals-on-the-warpath specialist William Girdler, who also was the filmmaker behind “Grizzly,” and it stars “Naked Gun” legend Leslie Nelson as a total @#$%.
Where to watch: Amazon Prime, Tubi, Pluto, more.
‘Bear’ (2010)
Four people driving through a remote area suddenly decide to take a shortcut in this Roel Reiné-directed horror film. And, as shocking as it may sound, that turns out to be a very bad idea. They end up getting stuck in the woods in their minivan and having to fend off one mighty ticked-off bear.
The bear in question — listed in the credits as “Blue” — is by far the best actor in the cast. Although, granted, that’s a mighty low bar to clear. The human characters are just plain obnoxious and apparently believe that bickering among each other is the best way to overcome the deadly situation. And let’s just say that most viewers won’t be all that bummed when — oops, we should say “if” so as to not give anything away — the bear ends up taking care of Sam the annoying businessman (played by Patrick Scott Lewis). Oh, and there’s also a scene were the bear (kinda, sorta) does drugs.
What we just can’t understand, however, is why Reiné would decide to use a pseudonym (John Rebel) in directing this gem.
Where to watch: Redbox, Vudu, Roku Channel, Fawesome, Tubi, more.
‘Grizzly Rage’ (2007)
We’ve seen toothbrushes that were more terrifying than this Canadian horror flick. The fact that it premiered on SyFy — the channel that specializes in the unscary — shouldn’t shock anyone. What is surprising, however, is that this film features a regular ol’ bear, rather than a two-headed-mutant-snake-bear or another made-up hybrid creature that would fit more naturally into the Syfy realm.
Yet, don’t let any of that stop you from watching the actors — who alternate between robotic rigidity and zealous overacting — in this tale of a 4×4 trip gone incredibly wrong. The bear, as per usual in these films, definitely delivers the best moments onscreen.
Because we like to assume the best in people, we trust that director David DeCoteau and writer Arne Olsen did their homework and came up with a film that is as accurate as possible to normal bear behavior. Still, we were a bit surprised to learn in this film that bears are known to repeatedly headbutt cars and toss their intended victims large distances. Just goes to show that every horror movie is a learning opportunity.
Where to watch: Amazon Prime, YouTube, Crackle, Roku Channel, more
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